Hermitage Notes - The Dream

I usually have dreams when I sleep. I am unable to remember practically 100% of them.

On a few rare occasions I have discovered myself at times, in places, doing things where something [like that crop duster flying in the distance out on the NW Kansas prairie] triggered the memory as some kind of affirmation that I am indeed where I am supposed to be and doing what I am supposed to be doing.

I think of the dream now and then. Not often. Just now and then.

It was a one-time dream, one that I awoke from and pondered on in the starlit darkness of that little one room off-grid cabin in Manitoba that September in 2005. It was an odd dream, one that, unlike most of my dreams, was as memorable as if it was a lived experience.

In the dream I came upon a small stream while walking through a semi-mountainous forest. There was something inviting about the little trickle of a stream. Something called to me. I stepped into the shoe-sole deep trickle and began following it to see where it took me.

The stream gradually became wider and deeper … ankle deep, calf deep, knee deep. The deeper and wider the water, the more the geography changed. The deeper and wider the water, the darker colored the water became until I could no longer see beneath the surface. Still, the invitation to follow remained distinct.

I pushed on until I could no longer feel the bottom and had to swim.

I thought about swimming for what appeared to be the safety of the shore but could not. I swam toward the invitation until, with my own strength exhausted, I began to sink.

There was no fear. There was only this irresistible invitation.

I held my breath as I sank beneath the surface. When I could no longer hold my breath, I breathed in and inhaled the deep and dark water. It was then that I could see through the dark murkiness. It was then that I felt total peace and complete freedom. But only for an instant.

There, in that instant, I awoke.

The invitation? I still sense it.

Note: The dream occurred during the time that I had just begun discovering monasticism, was seriously considering converting to Catholicism, and was thinking about the personal repercussions that these choices would bring.